People are still writing to me with questions. As usual, I have asked Millie to answer these while I concentrate on more important things like training my longlegs.
See you soon !
Dear Oscar, I am a long legs from Australia. I found your segment about the Master Plan extremely interesting since it has to do with language, feline and human. I have read that cats don’t vocalize so much to other cats, but have a huge vocabulary that they use for humans. Is this true? In other words, you seem to use the illness cry, the morning cry, and probably a food cry for your long legs. But do you do the same when you converse with Ginger?
Dear Longlegs from Australia,
It is unusual for us Superiors to use vocalization as it gives our positions away to predators and prey alike, but we read body language very well indeed. If there is danger and we are not in sight of each other and need to communicate the danger to others, then we vocalise. Oscar does not vocalise to Ginger as there would be no point or necessity really unless he was out of sight and/or in huge trouble. I hope this helps, regards,
Dear Oscar, I am a regular reader (a cat from Arkansas, U.S.) and I would like to help you with something. You have made it clear a couple of times that your The Her does not wake up easily when you cry. I would like to suggest that you learn to imitate the natural cry of a human baby. If your The Her ever had a baby, she never gets over the imprint of the sound of the crying, and if you succeed, she will wake up every time you do it. I imagine that you are using the Internet, like most cats these days? You can easily Google for a baby cry with one flip of a tail. Good luck!
Dear Superior from Arkansas,
This The her has been subjected to every noise within the capabilities of superior Oscar. He assures me, over 15 years, there is no noise he has not tried. He cannot wake this longlegs, he has tried scratching gently with claws even and found himself flying through the air as she turned over very violently. It is so much easier to wake The Him and lets face it we are superior because the easy option is always the best and we take it.
Dear Oscar or Millie. I need some help. My longlegs works away sometimes and just leaves me a big meal in a dish though she is away a light time, a dark time and a light time. The meal goes stale very quickly and isn't nice. As I leave some she gives me smaller meals thinking I don't need much. Also my toilet tray is not nice to use without being changed in that time. What can I do?
This is terrible, have you tried eating a little of the stale food when your longlegs comes home and promptly return it? Preferably on their shoes or directly in front of them. As for the litter tray I would leave presents elsewhere or at least do something just outside your tray when they come home. They may just get the message but if not I would voice my disgust and distress while the longlegs is away and try to draw attention to your plight from outside. I do hope this does not continue, regards,
I would like to ask Millie a question. Why do you think you can give advice about being nice to other Superiors when you always fight with me. Your brother Maddison.
Ha you little terror, because you start it! You pretend to give me a love and then box me. Just tell everyone who it is who fights other Superiors for you when they dare try to be bossy with you, you cheeky little monkey.
Your sister Millie
why do you keep calling yourselves Superiors when clearly you are just cuddly pets? We humans must be superior really as we have an opposed thumb and can open jars, tins and can cook.We own you. We can change the way we dress to suit changes in weather. Isn't it time you stopped fooling yourelf?
Oh dear oh dear, here we have a very deluded longlegs, who really does not know Superiors at all. We can catch our own food, it is fresh as well, however if you are willing to provide then who are we to argue? We choose NOT to leave you, you obviously cannot catch your own fresh food, which is why we bring you presents. Our coats change with the weather anyway, they moult and become less bulky in the hot sunshine, please tell me though why on earth would we want to change into silly colours that would glare and dazzle our prey? We need fresh food sometimes. Really no wonder you need to open tins and packets you would be totally hopeless at catching your own food. Maybe you may begin to understand that as lethal predators we are definately not just cuddly pets, we do thank you by being kind and providing for us though, which is why we rub you,purr and sometimes enjoy cuddling up.
We Superiors don't exactly have a master plan. We know that we're here to be fed and stroked by the longlegs. We know that our hunting skills must be honed on the feathered ones and the ones that rustle in the grass. Though I have to confess even though it pains me that there are some Superiors who don't do this and even ( shudder) some who can't. But, we don't have a Master Plan because it doesn't seem easy to think beyond the next meal or the next sleep or the next stroke. If those things are in place why bother.
But, I don't want you longlegs to think that we can't plan just because we don't.
Take for instance food. When my dish is empty I want it filling. Now usually this is no problem as longlegs are very easy to bring to heel if they're up and about. And if they're not up and about they soon will be.
Recently that's become a problem. My 'The Him' has woken up as I've trained him by sitting on his face or offering the cold nose treatment, until about seven light times ago. Since then he's woken as intended, but stroked me as he's gone back to sleep, his arm eventually stopping mid stroke and falling off. It's even woken me up as I've dozed under the stroking, distracted from my food. It couldn't go on like this.
During the light time three days ago I was ill. It may as has been suggested , have been my own fault for rushing my food, or the food may not have agreed with me. However, I was ill. As always, just before the stage of giving back the food I howled. It's a sound I always make and always has the longlegs running to me to see if they can eject me via the clearway before I eject my food. Sometimes it's a tight race and I leave my gift on the floor covering before they quite reach me. But it gave me an idea.
Since being ill, I now use the illness cry when I want food and my 'The Him' is sleeping. It's no use mentioning doing it for my 'The Her' as nothing will wake her until she's ready. But him, well you should see his legs move now. I howl, he runs. Of course I stop the minute he reaches me and just indicate that my dish is empty. It works a treat even if I don't always get a stroke now.
So maybe there is no Master Plan, but don't underestimate our superior ability to plan your training. And if one day you decide not to come running? Well, when that happens I'll be sure to leave a gift on the floor for you to find. That should give you a little incentive.
I like to wander. After all this is my domain and I should know what happens here.
Ginger told me a large chariot had come to the village so I had to check it out didn't I. I even allowed Ginger to come along.
He was right, it was big. Very Big. I could see longlegs carrying sitting things and sleeping places from one of the longlegs homes onto the chariot. I asked Ginger to take a look and see if there was anything to interest us on there but as he moved close the longlegs returned and he ran off. That's no way for a superior to behave really, we should always stay long enough to see if the longlegs wish to stroke us, then decide if we'll allow it.
With him gone I had no choice but to look for myself. After all you never know where there's food though I could smell nothing.
I entered up the large clearway and saw many things stacked up, and towards the back I found one of the long seating places the longlegs use. I was just looking at it when the longlegs returned to bring something else. I thought I might as well watch in comfort and climbed on the long siiting thing. I could see everything and was comfortable......
So comfortable that I fell asleep. My senses were still working of course.
Next thing I new I was woken by a thumping sound and saw the last light disappear as the clearway closed. I wasn't too worried as I see quite well in the dark. Then came a horrible smell as the engine turned on and rumbled, followed by movement. I called out but the longlegs don't have good hearing like us Superiors and no-one came. I settled back on the sitting thing to wait and must have fallen asleep again.
I was woken a second time by the light as the clearway was opened. I shot out past the longlegs who was doing it and heard "What the.." as I flew past him."Hey John. there was a moggy in here."
Moggy? is that the longlegs name for all Superiors I wonder?
From my new vantage point behind a nearby hedge I saw the longlegs start to carry things from the chariot into a new home. It took me a little while to realise I was quite far from home but hat I knew where I was. I wondered if I should climb aboard the chariot again and let them carry me home but I had no way of knowing whether they would and longlegs just don't understand my speech so I couldn't ask.
Nothing for it but a long walk.
It was a long, long walk and I had to dodge many chariots on the way.
It took me some hours and was getting dark when I finally arrived. My pads were quite sore. I saw Ginger and he asked what had happened. I told him I'd been on an adventure what a shame he'd been too scared to share it with me. Then with a flick of my tail I turned and went home.
I jumped in my clearway and saw my 'The Her'. "Oh Oscar" she said, "where have you been? Are you limping my pet?"
"Well of course I'm limping " I told her, " I was kidnapped and only escaped by the skin of my teeth. Or the skin of my pads really." Typically she didn't understand a word I said but she did pick me up for a hug and then seeing my sore pads wiped then down with water and put some nice smelling and soothing cream on them. Then smelling something even nicer...fish..I went to eat before settling down at my 'The Her's' side for a well earned rest and stroke.
I get the feeling I'm not in favour today. Everytime my 'The Him' looks at me I get a cool feeling running down my back fur. At first I thought I was sitting in a draught but I know better now.
It started with an accident. As usual when I wanted my clearway open I went to ask.
I tried my 'The Her' but as ever there was no movement from her sleeping place even when I tried the nose in the ear trick I'd been taught as a kitten. She sleeps like the dead.
So, I went to my 'The Him'. He was not laying on his back as usual so I could not visit him by jumping on his chest. So, looking for a better way I jumped up onto the headboard of his sleeping place. It was very narrow but I'm a Superior and that presented no problem...much.
I must not have been paying attention and when I came across a wire I tripped. The wire was attached to the thing that makes a tick tick noise on a shelf above his head. Or that's where it was until I tripped. It came flying down and hit the side of his head.
His head started to rise from the sleeping place but unfortunately was soon back flat again as my body hit it.
I heard a squeal of " What the..." and the head tried to rise again but I hadn't had time to react so when the head came upright I was stuck on the top of it. I had no choice but to hang on and that meant using my claws.
I heard another squeal which was followed by a shake of the head and a hand reaching up towards me. I couldn't afford to be dislodged so I used on paw to swipe at the hand and tightened my grip with the other three. He froze. This wa the opportunity I needed to get off. I jumped down onto his sleeping place and started to wash my paws, after all they now had blood on the tips of my claws which could stain my fur.
My 'The Him' flung back his cover , swung his legs out of the sleeping place and ran out. I followed realising he must be going to open my clearway. But no, the silly longlegs went straight to the room they wash in and stuck his head under the water. Another howl and then hopping from leg to leg ensued. Then he saw me and I really didn't like that look at all . I decided to leave the room. He followed. I moved quickly to my sill where the clearway is and he arrived just as quickly after me. He opened it and was just saying
"Why you little,,,,2 when I jumed out and missed the rest which was no doubt a compliment at my Superior fur or something.
Now it is later and I am lying on the long seat next to my 'The Her' allowing her to gently stroke me. My 'The Him' is on his long seat and is not looking at me kindly. He looks a little silly with the row of red dots around his forehead and I'm tempted to go and wash them off for him with my tongue and allow him to stroke me for a minute. But, I'm going to resist the temptation as I don't think he deserves such favour with the looks he keeps giving me. Parhaps I'll wait until he's back in his sleeping place and visit him then.
Even in your own home there are things that can surprise you. They can be unpleasant things, like finding out the longlegs have taken in a dog, unusual things like finding a bird in the house, but with a beak so big, and words like a longlegs that it's not easy to challenge them or pleasant ones like finding a new place to explore and take a rest in/on.
Two of those things happened recently.
I had been out patrolling my territory and making sure that all was well. No strangers in my area claiming part as their own, no dog-like ones with big bushy tails and strong smell passing by. All seemed OK and no threats to Superiors.
I went home.
My clearway was open and even as I entered I could tell something was different. There was a slightly strange smell like the woman with the gaudy fur had been there but was now gone. I went towards the place of longlegs food where I could hear the other longlegs who comes here making that strange noise they call singing. Hers sometimes hurt the ears but I needed to see if the strangeness was around her. It was and it wasn't, but when she saw me she stopped singing and passed me a piece of my favourite ham and gave me a quick stroke. I ate it gladly and looked at her longingly in the hopes of another but it wasn't to be.
I strolled through to the longlegs sitting place. The smell was a little stronger.
All was quiet so I knew my longlegs were out AGAIN ! They often leave me. There was something new about the room and I saw it. A tall stand with s strange box on top under a cover. I jumped onto the long seat and ran along the back until I could see the box more clearly. I could tell the new smell was coming from there. I leaped, one mighty leap and landed. The box rocked as I did. Suddenly I heard a bird squawk and then a longlegs voice say " Down boy, Down Boy, do as you're told you silly fool" followed by another mighty squawk. Don't repeat this but for a moment I froze. The tone had been like when my 'The Her' catches me scratching at her seat or borrowing ham from my 'The Him's' plate. I decided to jump down onto the long seat again, leaving the strange box swaying. I looked around but saw no longlegs. Then the longlegs from the food place came through. "Tut tut Oscar" she said " been a naughty boy have you?"
How can I be naughty in my own home? I ask you. Then pulling away the cover she revealed a cage with a bird inside. It's beak was huge but she bravely put her hand forward and stroked it. "Aaaawk" it said " who's a pretty boy. Pretty Polly is."
A longlegs voice from a bird? I wondered if that beak had eaten mine but I knew this longlegs would not be stroking it if that was true.
I settled down to watch and fell asleep.
My 'The Him and The Her' returned with another and I got up to greet them. The new one was saying "Thank you" as she picked up the strange stand and carried the bird away. I shall have to search the village soon and find out where they live.
The other thing that happened was that I was showing my prowess despite my age and jumping around my 'The Him's room'. He has a tall cupboard with boxes on top but I was sure there was space for me too. I landed there but my grip was a little off and I skidded slightly, hitting one of the larger boxes. The lid fell off. Hmmm, interesting.
Inside I could see what looked like a nice comfy place to rest so I jumped in. It wasn't as roomy as I first thought but I was able to curl up..just. I was soon asleep.
Sometime afterwards I heard my name being called. It was my 'The Her' and I could smell fish. But I couldn't move, I seemed to be jammed here. I called out. I called out again, trying not to sound anything but brave and interested of course. I tried to move and the box rocked a bit. I tried harder and it began to rock more until it tipped.......right off the top of the large cupboard and fortunately right into the waiting hands of my 'The Him'. "What have we here" he asked and called out " Julia, quickly, come see." My 'The Her' arrived and the strange hiccuping started. "Ha ha ha."
He tipped the box slightly and I in my bed slid out onto his sleeping place. He eased his hand in to grasp my stomach, I held back on the urge to nip his hand. As he pulled me clear of my resting place he said " Ta Da ! Here we are folks, the Cat in the Hat." From his hand I looked down to see I had been resting inside the tall thing he wears on his head called a topper. He put me down gently and returned the topper to it's box, replaced thelid and placed it back onto the tall cupboard. I heard him say "That'll teach you not to explore so much" as I followed my 'The Her' to the treat she had for me. I thought to myself that exploring was what we superiors do best
Most of the Superiors in and around the village noticed activity 3 lights ago when the man with the funny French accent packed his chariot and left the village. It was when poor old Tomas nearly lost his life under the chariot wheels when it pulled away.
What has made us all angry was that this light I heard a cry from the empty place and looking through one of the closed clearways saw two kittens. They told me they were thirsty and hungry. How could someone leave a couple of precious kittens alone like that?
I raced home after finding no clearways open in the empty cottage and launched myself onto the knee of my 'The Him' who was making those funny squiggles on paper in his chair. He stopped.
I jumped down and started to limp away. He did nothing as he's very slow sometimes.
I launched myself again at him landing squarely in his lap. His eyes opened wide in surprise and he started to stroke me. Pleasureable as this was it was not what I wanted so I nipped his hand, though gently as I was not angry with him.
Again I jumped down and started to pretend to limp away. This time he noticed and started to follow, no doubt anxious to see what was the matter and hope to save himself a fee with the white furred ones.
I edged towards the large clearway and cried. My 'The Him ' opened it and I limped away again with him following. With his funny soft paws on his feet he looked and sounded quite silly but this was no time for fun. I limped on until we reached the village and the empty cottage. My 'The Him' leaned over to pick me up and see what was wrong and as he did the kittens cried again. "But this place is empty" he said, and putting me down again reached up to look in the clear clearway. He saw the kittens and I saw his mouth open.
He ran, flip flopping down the street in his soft paws. I told the kittens help was coming and they quietted down a little. It was not too long before a small chariot came racing up and 'The Her' of the foreign man got out and opening the large clearway dashed in and picked up the kittens carefully. My 'The Him' arrived with a spare dish which he put water into and a dish of my food. The kittens ate and drank while their 'The Her' fussed them and cried.She was obviously angry that her 'The Him' had abandoned the home with her baby superiors inside.
Things were soon sorted and she took the kittens into her chariot to her new home away from the man with the accent. Tomas darted out from beneath the chariot as she left. I swear he doesn't have many of his nine lives left and yet he doesn't learn.
With no sign of a limp now I went home beside my 'The Him' and when he sat to start his funny squiggles again I jumped onto his lap to sleep. The least he owed me for my cleverness was a little stroking.
After gently persuading my 'The Him' to get out of his sleeping place and open a freeway for me, I decided to walk round the fields by the village. Someimes there are many rustling things to play with giving me a choice of gifts to take home......if they deserve it.
Close by there is a large patch the longlegs call the park where the green is kept short for them to sit on. The warm thing of light was rising well and I decided to bathe in the warmth for a minute. I was just settling down and thinking of dozing when I was horribly disturbed by a bark. The village dogs know better than to disturb me and we have a good truce in place, but this was not a bark I knew. I looked up, and flying towards me was a stranger, not large, but barking in a way that says " cat, fair game.2
Now, given a moment to ready myself I could have dealt with this situation but I could see the dog was full of joy at the chase and moving fast.
I moved faster ! So fast in fact that I was up a nearby tree before even I knew it. I hissed down at him and said " Not very quick are we Dog?"
The dog went berserk. Suddenly there was a shout of " BRUCE!!!!!!!!" And the dog froze.
A longlegs I didn't know came running up and attatching a lead to Bruce's collar called "SIT" and then added " You bad boy, you know better than this don't you? That poor cat."
Bruce couldn't have looked more subdued if he tried and I sauntered down off the tree and entwined myself round the paws of the longlegs. That earned me a stroke from the him and a soft growl from Bruce that was pulled up short by a yank on the lead.
It was time to head home.With a final rub against the longlegs and a satisfied glance at Bruce I walked away very slowly to show him who owned this place.
Once back through my freeway I found a place on my 'The Her's" sleeping place and promptly went to sleep.
There were some questions again which I have left to Millie to answer for you. This will now be her job.
Q. Dear Oscar or Millie,
I am a young Superior living with young longlegs. When I want something I tell them but all they do is make their funny hiccuping sound and try to mimic my words. They do not give me what I want. They are kind but obviously don't understand me. How can I show them what I want and get them to obey? Love Marmalade.
A. Dear Marmalade,
Generally speaking a miaow, a turn and walk towards what it is you want should be enough, however if your longlegs are really hard to train then a quick swipe, a miaow and speedy exit towards whatever it is you want may be needed. Scratch at their sitting places and run, but miaow at the same time. These longlegs can take a while to train so keep going and they will get the message at some stage, a friend of mine had to include a quick nip here and there.
Good luck, stay patient and use all weapons to your advantage, do not forget to reward them when they get the message, they learn quicker that way,
My longlegs has had a Superior before me. He rescued me from a sad place after my last longlegs went on a long last journey and I am grateful. But, when he strokes me he is rough and rubs my fur the wrong way, and tries to rub my tummy. I have never allowed this. How can I stop him and make him be more gentle?
A, Dear Tiger,
Hmm this is a delicate matter, when he goes to stroke you you have to cry and run, jump away every time he goes to stroke you, speed is of the essence. You can rub his legs to show you love him but when he goes to stroke you cry and move away. as I say it is all in the timing here. Rub him often so he knows you love him but only allow him the merest or almost stroke and move. If he goes to the tummy roll quickly and threaten with the claws or teeth. I would be reluctant to use teeth or claws here but the timing of moving away should get the message across. You could growl or hiss if you need to to tell him, longlegs seem to understand these noises very well as a rule. I hope you get your longlegs trained very quickly, we cannot allow them to take liberties with our good natures.
Q. Dear Millie,
you seem to be nice but why are you answering letters for Oscar? When Superiors and Longlegs, and even a dog ( ugh) write to him why is he not answering them himself? Are you related to him? Is there a chance for others to answer too as I am an expert hunter of flying and rustling things and could help new Superiors a lot? Are you an expert in everything?
Toughie of Holywell.
A. Dear Toughie, thank you for the 'Nice' bit. As for answering for Oscar, he is a very busy superior and he knows that I am friendly and look after other superiors a lot as it is my vocation. Yes we are related I am his niece. As far as answering too, I am sorry toughie but it needs an experienced paw and a rather delicate thinking pattern, we have to treat longlegs nicely sometimes and other times with caution, they are kind but a little um well just not as clever as we are, wrong treatment could lead them to send us away for good. yes I think I have everything covered but you never know......I will keep you in mind
Some of you may think that all Superiors are territorial. Well, you'd be right but it doesn't mean that we never leave our territory to go elsewhere or object to anyone crossing our territory for the same thing. Of course, I might object to anyone not crossing quickly enough and trying to stay...... but that doesn't usually happen.
There are not many Superiors where I live but sometimes when I go out hunting I have to cross Ginger's territory. Sometimes to annoy him I might try and increase my own boundaries a bit by spraying a bit here and there in the hopes he won't notice. We have an uneasy truce most of the time but you can't call us friends.
I did upset him this light time though without intending to.
It was quite early in the light that I decided to have a prowl around the village as someimes there are interesting things happening.
There is a longlegs there who wears skin like a demented peacock who sometimes comes to my home and I can see the my 'The Him' is uncomfortable near her. This light there was an interesting smell near her home. I looked as I approached and saw what seemed to be a river of black, steaming and running from her home to her freeway to the road.
It smelt wonderful.
I confess that I like to know all that goes on around me and decided to follow the river up to the house. I stepped onto the grass and walked alongside the river drinking in this new and wonderful smell. The steam did bother me slightly as it seemed to feel a little warm. I had just reached the top of the river when the freeway opened and the peacock stepped out.
She doesn't like me and before there was chance for me to meet a pan of water I ran.
My mistake was to take the quckest route. Straight down the black , steaming river.
It was hot, and though I have good hard pads on my feet I could feel it. But I'm fast and knew it wouldn't take long for a Superior like me to get to the end. The only problem was I seemed to be slowing down........
When I reached the bottom I saw why. Some of the river had stayed on my pawsand was going hard. It looked like I had put on paws like the longlegs do but I couldn't take them off like they do.
I decided to go home and encountered my next problem. I could no longer walk quietly and surprise the rustling things or the flying things. The hardness on my paws made a noise when I walked. As I crossed Ginger's territory I left behind black pawprints that smelled and he heard me and saw me. Though I could see he was not happy with me he did not want to fight and just hissed. Until he saw my paws and laughed, and laughed.
I got home and jumped in my freeway as usual. There was a clatter as I landed and my 'The Her' looked up. I jumped to the floor and there the pawprints were again. My 'The Her' screamed and grabbed me holding me tight. She did not however stroke me as usual but ran with me to he small room where she added more smelling stuff to my paws to remove the black river stuff. It stank, but, It worked. I washed my paws and they tasted awful. I felt better though when my 'The her' picked me up again and hugged me. I could see pawprints I had left on the top skin she wears but she hugged me anyway.
Well I told you it would be awful and it was.
The horrible journey after being tricked into the box with bars, all the time My 'The Her' making cooing sounds like I'm in for a treat. Well I wasn't.
We arrived at the place with other Superiors and I could feel their unhappiness before I could hear them. A strange longlegs who kept turning her mouth up and showing her teeth came to meet us at the door of the chariot and picked my box up. She carried me to a place where there were lots of boxes made of holes where all the other superiors were . As soon as we arrived they set up a song of warning for me but what could I do? I was moved from my box to one made of holes and the clearway was closed. I saw my 'The Her' pass over my own bowl and some of my food before she turned on her heel and left. I called out after her, "Don't leave me, it was all an accident, come back."
Two light turns later and she must have known I was calling as she was here. I knew it was her from the pawsteps and I knew she must have understood it was all an accident, a terrible accident.
For two light turns I have been here and have been outside this box of holes two times.
Two times I have tried not to come back in but the strange longlegs caught me each time. But now my 'The Her' is here, putting my dish in a bag and I almost run into the box with bars.
We are home and I have allowed my longlegs to stroke and fuss me but I am a little aloof as I have not quite forgiven them yet. But I am home.
I have looked around and there's no trace of the worm now. Perhaps I'd better explain.
I am getting old but still energetic and lithe and strong and feel young. Before I was taken away I was jumping about in the place of longlegs food to see if they'd left anything I might like and could borrow to eat. I jumped from surface to surface, even over the place where the water comes and I catch the drips. In one mighty leap I jumped from a surface onto the red thing on the wall. I was superb ! But, as I landed the red thing moved.
It fell, I fell. As I landed I ran because the red thing made an awful noise followed by a longer quietter noise. The quietter noise was a long white worm flying out of the red thing and it was getting bigger and bigger all the time. I tried to pounce on it's head because I'm brave but I just fell straight through it. The worm kept coming and coming, all over the floor of the food place and then out onto the floors where strange grass the longlegs like lies. It looked very wet but did not taste nice.
My longlegs returned as the worm was chasing me and they saw me fly to the sleeping place on my 'The Her' and dive beneath it.
My 'The Him' called my name loudly and I knew it was not in a way that says treats in store.
All because of this I was punished and taken away. Still I see my 'The Him' coming towards me now with a piece of ham so I might forgive them, maybe.
More questions seem to have come . I shall ask Millie to answer them while I am busy.
I am hesitating to write to you because you see, I am, well, how can I put it, I am a dog... I realize it's unusual for a dog to write for the advice column for cats, but you see, I live with four cats and they all adore me. As a matter of fact, they fight as to who would be the one to curl on my back when we all go to sleep. My long legs don't know how to handle the cat fights, and really, I feel it's my responsibility to keep the peace. How should I persuade them to take turns?
Dear the Superiors Canine friend,
This is a most unusual situation, most canines are mortal enemies of us superiors, however it is a refreshing change to see one as a friend and protector. May I suggest you ask one superior to lie between your front paws and have a massage, two curl up by your warm soft tummy (paws directed away of course) and one on your back, then ask them to change round? They all then get the benefit of softness, back, and a massage if it is done in strict rotation. We are very possessive you know, it is in our deepest nature to be so, it is how we have survived so well. I do hope this works because the longlegs are pretty hopeless, they are so soft and squishy that they are afraid of our claws and teeth, mind you it is a good job really, it is what is needed as a last resort in their training.
Good luck and stay firm
I live on a very big place with lots of warm places to sleep, there is even fresh warm milk to drink as well as an awful lot of small furry things to hunt, my problem is my sisters and I are still quite young and other superiors keep invading and trying to push us out.
Dear lucky youngster,
Oh what a lovely place to live apart from these very naughty superiors. Well it sounds like a lot of cheeky elders are taking advantage of your youth. May I suggest you and your sisters band together and launch suprise attacks on these cheeky ones preferably when they are on their own. Youth can have its advantages as you may well be much more lively on your paws. If there is a canine around entice the canines to chase you towards the invaders and then get out of the way fast, and by doing this as a group it will confuse the canine no end. If you scatter at just the right moment it will leave the invader so surprised that it will be the target. You have to start learning all the crafty arts we superiors have learned with age and may I suggest that these are only a couple of them.
Good luck in your endevours,