Have you heard the Longlegs saying “It's a cat's life?”. They mean it's a life of ease. Don't you think that's strange when we hunt, protect our Longlegs, survey our territory and of course spend so long on personal grooming.
Have you heard the Longlegs saying “It's a dog's life?”. They mean it's a life of hardship. Don't you think that's strange when all they do is lie about, chase balls for fun and spend so little time on grooming themselves. Then the Longlegs dress them in silly coats and boots to go out in. Of course dogs can't be trusted and some Longlegs know this and keep them on leads.
Isn't it a life of opposites when Longlegs can't get things right like this. It's what makes me chase dogs when I see them or tease them. They have such an easy time compared to us Superiors. Why, I know one dog that gets carried about all day in a bag. Personally I'd find that humiliating.
Another thing some Longlegs get wrong is feeding. When I'm at home I've trained my 'The Him' to provide plenty of fresh chicken and my 'The Her' to make sure I get a choice in my sachets of Superior Superiors food. When I go to The Fursty Ferret I've been known to 'Borrow' a salmon but when I go to visit one of my friends places their Longlegs have tried to give me food from a tin and I'm sure it's not even fit for dogs. Of course I have to say thank you to them for trying but I found the best way to train them to buy better is to throw up on a carpet. Make a big show of doing it too so the message sinks in. After all, we're worth it and should have nothing but the best.
Now I know you don't want lessons all the time but you have to know the serious things, the important things, the things that make our lives as bearable as possible down at this level. So having explained all that I think the only other thing you need to know today is that rest is a necessity. Save yourself for when the longlegs feel playful, after all it's important to keep the servants happy. I think it's just about time for a rest now, I winder if my 'The Him' has got out of my chair. If not I'll have to teach him how to do so when I want it.
An Ancient Saying: Teach your Inferiors with kindness and patience; the chicken and salmon dishes will follow.
Without doubt I am a superlative Superior. Is there any wonder I lead my group so well? I hasten to add that has nothing to do with my age which as the longlegs count it is 17 years. I lead because I am the Superior of Superiors and my followers admire my brains and my courage.
It was the dark time and all was quiet. Both my 'The Him' and 'The Her' were in their sleeping place and despite the strange and loud noises issuing from 'The Him' I had taken my usual position under the covers with my 'The Her' and was resting nicely. It had been a long light time and I had walked through the village to check all was well with young Thomas, Smokie, Gizmo and Tiger. All had been well but the heat from above had tired me.
A sound disturbed me and I wriggled, no I eased my way out of the covers to see what was amiss.
I could see the clearway from my spot and it was opening. It was opening carefully and quietly but I could with my superior ears still hear it. Then I heard a quick sound, the strange sound longlegs make when they are happy or hear something funny. The little hiccuping sound they make. I shot off the sleeping place and launched myself through the clearway. I would stop the intruders and save my longlegs from harm.
As I landed on the front of an invading longlegs there was a scream. It pierced my ears so I knew it was a she I had caught. My claws gripping she turned and ran. It was hard to release myself before she reached the gate, but I did and fell, no sprang to the ground. Turning, I ran back to the house where a light had now appeared. There in the clearway was my 'The Him' holding another invader. Ha, he shared my courage. But what was this? He was hugging her and her eyes were leaking as she whimpered. Then I saw properly and it was his kitten. Well at least I had chased off the real invader.
There was a shout, “Fiona !” then the kitten left my 'The Him' and walked towards the gate calling that same sound. Soon another she appeared with water leaking and a whimper. They hugged. There is far too much of this and it's not coming in my direction. That has to be wrong.
All the longlegs went inside and I had to run to get in before the clearway was shut. As 'The Him' seemed happy that the kittens were there I decided to go back to rest but their hiccups kept me awake for a long time. Finally the kittens went to a resting place in another room and 'The him' went back to his own. They were safe in the knowledge that they were protected by this guard cat and I knew I had done my duty in protecting my longlegs.
Sometimes it's a great life and sometimes a hard life. Very often it's a combination of the two.
Take this light for instance. As the flying things started to sing I went to wake up my 'The Him', I needed a hug and some food. My dish was empty and I can't understand how they could let that happen just because I happened to eat it in the dark time. Anyway, as I jumped up onto him he had the cheek to roll over which nearly threw me off his sleeping place. There's no way I could tolerate that of course so being the kind Superior that I am I moved up and stuck my nose in his ear.
That didn't seem to do much either but I noticed a gap which would allow me to settle in a warm place beside him till he woke. I moved down along his back under the thing that covers him in the dark time. It was warm and cosy and I rested. That is until he rolled back again! That disturbed me and so I moved a little further down until I found his paws...then I bit one. Lo and behold 'The Him' got up suddenly.
While he was up I thought no time like the present and reminded him about my empty dish. He filled it so I had a quick snack and returned to the warm spot for another nap. After all he was up now and wouldn't need it again. For some reason he didn’t seem happy with me though.
When I roused a little later both my 'The Her' and 'The Him' were about. I went to her and jumped onto her knee so that she could give me the cuddles and strokes I deserved. For a change and as a reward I left her knee and jumped on his. His mood must have improved a bit because he stroked me without throwing me a single dirty look. Now, having given them both the chance to do their duty by me I jumped down and left the house via a clearway into the garden. The birds were singing and there was warmth from the light above. I settle now under a tree to rest. Zzzz
Julia- Oh for the life of a superior eh?
Wise Cat. An ancient saying: When the light time is nice and comfortable, beware of the dark time.
I've decided that Longlegs are very funny. I'm not sure if they mean to be, but they are. This light I had used the clearway to go and relax in the garden. I was taking the warmth from above and sleeping peacefully, though fully alert of course, when my the her came out and cut some flowers to take inside. I don't understand why what is pretty and alive outside has to be made dead and carried in to be pretty.
It was not long before my 'The Him' came out looking very flustered. He almost trod on me in his hurry. (I will remember that). He called to the longlegs who cares for the plants and asked for help. That longlegs appeared with a spade while my 'The Him' carried a strange object that was long and looked like it had a big dish on the end. One of them walked up and down sweeping the dish in front and one was digging little holes everywhere. They looked so silly and also hot. At last my 'the Him' called out, “Hurray” and the other one dug and came up with the top of a bottle. I don't know why they were so happy about it.
Anyway, the noise became to great for me and I decided to go in and find something to eat. It's always possible my 'The Him' had left some ham somewhere which would obviously be mine or he wouldn't have left it out. Logic is a fine thing to possess. I was only inside for a few moments when my 'The Him' followed, this time looking glum. I saw him approach my 'The Her' and heard him say. “Sorry my love I couldn't find your ring” only for her to reply “Oh, didn't I say David, I found it in the bathroom. I'd taken it off to wash my hands.”
As I say, Longlegs are funny. Why was he looking outside if it was inside all the time?
An ancient saying: All Superiors must keep their minds on the ham sandwich, and never bother with Longlegs'valueless notions and strange behavior.
quite right Oscar, we are wierd.
I have a good memory. In fact I'd say it was excellent. But on odd occasions there are things I can't remember. One of those things may be a slight that was offered me or even an accidental injury. On the occasions where my fantastic memory may be a little deficient I know for sure that if I pay someone back, there is bound to have been something I missed that this will pay for.
There fore , when I woke my 'The Him' at what he called Five past 'bl**dy' five this light with a swift ...but fairly gentle by my standards....nip on his foot, I knew it was probably justified. However, I admit to beating a hasty retreat rather than indicate my food dish was empty at that moment as he seemed less than pleased to see me. Quite unusual really as he's usually so well trained and can be cajoled into forgiving me the occasional mistake.
I left the house by my small clearway and walked round the garden. The flying things were either talking to each other or singing. A little maddening I suppose as they did so well out of my reach. None even came to take breakfast from the fruit on the ground even though I sat very still for an age. I gave up and eventually headed down to the greenhouse where I pounced on a rustling thing only to hurt myself as it was larger than usual and was covered in spikes. That's not playing very fair. The thing curled up into a ball and just sat there unmoving. I got bored and decided to carry on down the garden to the wall where I found Ginger just arriving. He looked awfully smug and told me he'd caught a rustling thing that hadn't been quick enough to escape. I outbragged him by telling him of the huge one I had caught earlier, telling him I had played with it rather than eat it as I wasn't hungry. I said if he was still hungry I'd show him where it was but he seemed uninterested now.
Ginger and I walked together to the village where longlegs were just stirring. We watched a milkman deliver some bottles to one of the longlegs houses. The bottles had gold tops and we both knew what that meant. It meant we were lucky!! The milkman moved his chariot a little way down the road giving Ginger and I our chance. As we reached the bottles I made him stop and reminded him that he must attack the top of the bottle like a flying thing taps with it's beak. When the holes were wide enough we inserted our tongues and enjoyed some cream from the top. Licking our lips we moved away to groom our whiskers and faces so nothing was evident. No doubt the flying things would be blamed but they wouldn't worry.
Freshly groomed and happy I settled under a tree to enjoy the warmth and was soon asleep. When I woke I was alone and feeling a little hungry so I returned home through the main clearway which was now open. There was my 'The Him' just filling my dish. No wonder I treat him so well.
Poor old Oscar, some days just don't go the right way at all. Julia
OUCH Oscar, why me?. David
An ancient Asian proverb: If you can reach the cream at the top of the gold-covered bottle,all your troubles vanish into the mists..Ilil
Times are definitely very strange. Very often in the light times I leave the house by a clearway and walk into the village. Recently there seem to be more longlegs than usual, quite often arriving in those long chariots they use to carry manyof them at once.
This is my place and I have no fear of it but so many longlegs are saying “Look it's him” or “Look, that's Oscar I'd recognise him anywhere.” Well yes, no doubt many of them will know me or know of me because my fame must spread but where do they come from? They can't come just to see me and yet so many of them seem to have a piece of ham wrapped in their strange carrying things. They keep offering it to me and trying to stroke me as I eat. I have even had to call in the others to help me, of course that's no problem for Ginger who is after all a stomach on legs. But then I hear “ Oh there's Ginger and Gizmo, and look that must be Thomas II and Smokie.” How do all these Longlegs know them, they are not famous like me? This is my village.
At last light one longlegs even looked for Thomas II to feed him. Before me !!!! What is going on?
This light I realised that My 'The Him' must still be putting words about me in those paper things he writes. I've warned him about that before, leaving him a mark across his shin that he called his “barcode” whatever that is. I know I made him limp for a time. What a cheek if he's doing it again.
Still, some of the ham is very nice............ maybe I'll forgive him this time.
Oscar appears in My Barsetshire Diary. Available on Amazon and on Kindle
The Queen's Envoy Available on Amazon and on Kindle
and the new More Barsetshire Diary. Available on Lulu.com
Oscar is the bane of Lord David's life acting as his unofficial and unwelcome alarm clock as he does. Then, having disturbed Lord David's slumbers and been fed he can still convince the formidable Lady J that he's hungry and neglected.
My The Him and the Her have had visitors. It's sometimes quite obvious that Longlegs don't have superiors in their lives to guide them.
Being of a relaxed nature I was taking 40 winks and dreaming about a great chase. I accept that I was doing so on my seating place of choice which the Longlegs sometimes occupy, when I was turfed out by my The Him. I shall remember to repay that slight sometime.
So, I decide to resume my rest on the arm of the seating place. One of the visitors started to stroke me which was acceptable and even pleasant. I opened my eyes to see whom and that was my mistake. Thinking I was now awake and should be in playful mode she started to wiggle her fingers back and forth across my face. Then she started to run them across the arm as though they were a rustling thing. That was her mistake.
Playing along with her game I pounced. This is where I realised she didn't have a superior at home for she had no speed. When I pounced the fingers were still there and my claws sank in. There was a deafening squeal and the fingers withdrew rapidly. However my claws were still attached and thinking she was still playing my teeth followed, getting a better grip than my claws.
Another squeal and the fingers flew into the air making me lose my grip. I could see a series of red dots running along the fingers and on one a tip with a red set also. I decided to move and slowly slid off the arm of the seating place to the floor. I looked up at the squealer and said she shouldn't play with me if she didn't want me to play too and left the room.
When I returned later to give permission to my The Her to stroke me, the squealer didn't want to play and had her fingers wrapped in white.
I can always tell when someone doesn't have the company of a superior to guide them.
Superiors are easy to understand. Let me make it clear that we fight only when we have to. That would be to maintain our home and our space from invasion ...If it's my space you enter by invitation or not at all. It would also be to maintain our rank within a group. There are natural leaders...like me of course, and there are followers, like everybody else.
Superiors don't organise wars or purposely go out to hurt others as Longlegs do. It's one aspect of training that never seems to take.
For instance, I walked to the village as the last dark time came. Purely to survey my territory and see which of my group was out. As I came to the Fursty Ferret hoping to find, ahem, I mean checking there were no open clearways where food could be appropriated, I was met with the sight of three longlegs fighting outside. They are not superiors so they could not be fighting to lead the group. They could also not be fighting to protect their space as it is an area belonging to all, well it's mine really but I allow free passage. So they must have been fighting to hurt each other. One thing I find is that taking a drink of the liquids they keep there always seems to make the situation worse.
I know this to be true as I remember Ginger taking some that one Longlegs fool put in a dish. The smell was awful and it could not have been fresh at all like water or milk or best of all. Cream. After taking some Ginger became aggressive and forgot who was in charge. It took a cuff round the head to bring him to his senses. The next light we saw little of him and I believe he had a sore head.
Another thing I notice is that Ginger walked a little oddly, like unbalanced after drinking the terrible liquid.
So, I now offer my advice to all longlegs out there as well as any superiors who have not learned Ginger's lesson. Do not drink anything from the Fursty Ferret as it is off and will make you fight, make you wobble when you walk and also make you sick.
By the way. I should note that someone left a clearway open and when I checked had left a plate of ham in the open which could be stolen. Because I am intelligent I did understand though that it was a gift from longlegs to their Superior and of course took it, but unless you intend to lose my gifts please be more careful in future.
Kelly HashwayTue, 07 Jun 2011 09:49:23
Thanks for the warning, Oscar
on, 06 Jun 2011 23:06:09
Some long time lights ago I was injured in a skirmish with another Superior who invaded my territory. He was a black and white, no account, ill bred, mangy tom-cat with a nasty streak. The injury cost me much pain and the same for the longlegs I bit when she stitched me up. But the superior who did it was there one minute and gone the next. I could only assume that he had travelled with some longlegs who were visiting the area.
Today he was back again. It was Ginger who told me he'd been seen in the area at first but I soon found out the truth of it when I saw him sitting on my wall. I was inside looking out and there was no clearway open to me or we may have had a rematch. I was frustrated that I could not get out to warn him off and had to settle for hissing from here. My longlegs were out AGAIN, and there was no-one to open a clearway so I just watched.
He moved from the wall and I was furious to see he jumped down into my garden . I swear he smirked when I jumped in anger and hissed fit to burst. Instead of retreating to safety though he just commenced to stalk across the lawn to where he could hear birdsong. That was a huge mistake on his part. He had just passed where I was sitting when out of the sky flew a large black and white streak of flying thing. It passed over his head and screamed. It sailed high and then with another screech came down again just missing his head. He looked up in fear. Black and white came again at speed from the sky towards black and white now cowering in the grass. He turned and started to run but still the flying thing came, swooping down low over his head. Up on the wall he jumped and the claws connected with his head. Off down the other side he went and through the members of the gate I saw him steaming off towards the village. With the flying thing chasing him away.
Out of sight the flying thing, a Magpie came back and roosted on a tree in the garden. He must have thought the Superior's colour was an invader.
Later when my longlegs returned and opened a clearway for me I walked to the village where I met the others. Ginger told me he's seen the superior come running towards him from my direction and thought he was going to fight, so he's quickly boxed his ears and sent him sprawling. Ginger is bigger than me and must have packed a punch. The superior had jumped in through the clearway of a large longlegs chariot that delivered things and had hidden under a seat. The gang had sat outside and taunted him.
I shouldn't think I'll be seeing him in my area again.
Here is a letter I received after the incident.
most superior Oscar,
I am pleased that the magpie was there to irritate that inferior one as you were not able to show him yourself at the time just how wrong he was to set paw in your garden! The nerve of him! He must have known you had no clear way out to him or wouldn't have dared. Live long and proud oh superior one!
with great respect,
Thank you Patricia, you are most astute for a longlegs. I don't think he would have set foot there had he thought I could have reached him.