When we get there I am always put into a place smaller than under my 'The Her's' sleeping place where I like to rest sometimes when it seems best not to be seen. Anyway, I heard that word again at early light time and I am going to 'rest' again somewhere so I may not have to go. After all it was an accident with the red thing which I will tell you about soon. As for now I must be quick .
Before this when I wrote wisdom to you there were questions for me which being a kind Superior I answered direct. Now I have some questions again. They are from both Superiors and Longlegs which shows that everyone listens to a venerable sage like me.
However, this light time I must 'rest' and so I have asked another fine Superior to answer your questions. She understands Longlegs babble better than I can but I bet she doesn't know Cattery yet !
Allow me to give you 'Dear Millie' and remember she is a Superior and has wisdom. Listen carefully to her.
Hello, my name is Millie and my Unc...I mean Oscar the Wise has asked me to answer some questions for you while he is away. Let me start right awy so I have time to look for the things that rustle in the grass later.
Dear Oscar, I am The Him of a highly dignified and intelligent Superior named Bruce. I suspect he reads my books when I am lecturing at the University, and there is evidence that he is using my computer, since some of the messages I get are incomprehensible to me, but he looks at them and seems to understand. I never had any objection to his activities, but yesterday, a package arrived in the mail, and when I opened it, it contained quite a few tins of salmon and caviar! I know I did not order it. What am I to do? I am afraid that if I return it Bruce would feel antagonized, but I shudder to think about the bill… please tell me what to do!
Dear The Him of Superior Bruce,
This would seem to be a simple problem to ease, firstly it would seem that Bruce has very good taste and must come from very good stock if I may say. Now superiors from this kind of station may feel rather neglected if these tasteful treats are not regularly forthcoming. It may well give you peace of mind to provide them from time to time, obviously only when you are able to hunt them down. You may also attempt to train Bruces' palate to accept fresh chicken. Even though it may upset Bruce, try tuna instead of salmon from those round containers, this is particularly good as the idea that food from these containers may tempt him to try meat from them, I admit it is a bit of a come down, but it can be quite tasty really (provided it is the good ones).
If these measures fail your computer must be removed or locked behind a clearway that Bruce cannot open himself. Bruce really is a clever superior and I only wish I had his courage to try that myself. However we must not upset our longlegs too much they may stop being trainable. Good luck in your endevours and remember I will be here if you need me,
Dear Oscar: I am The Her of a Superior named Bart. We have been together for a long time, and I try to serve him well, as befits a Superior. Usually he seems to approve of me, particularly when instead of giving him his usual cat food, I cook chicken for him. I serve him the chicken two or three times a week, and he seems to enjoy it, judging from the speed in which it disappears. And yet, every so often he acts very strangely, kicks the dish around the room and then puts one of his catnip toys on it, covering the chicken. Can you explain this behavior?
Dear The Her of Superior Bart,
Bart is trying to let you know that occassionanlly, whilst chicken is well liked, a treat of something different would be appreciated. There are small rustly containers that have small treats in them that he may enjoy, catnip, crunchy things as well as milky tasting ones. Do try these sometimes, not too many though as it would tend to make him rather large and he would not be able to hunt so well.
Bart has a very nice longlegs but there is scope for a little more training.
G’day, Mate! I am writing from New Zealand and my name is Matilda. You can call me Matie. I am a very young cat, only one year old. I admire the way you handle the Long Legs, obviously you keep them under control, and I wish to learn how to do so. My Long Legs are nice, but they don’t seem to understand I need to be loved and stroked around the middle of the dark period. They make bad sounds when I leap on them and start using my claws on their chest. I tried to explain by howling very loudly, but they stuck some things in their ears and just ignored me! What’s a cat to do?
This is always tricky, the secret is to be as cute as possible while retaining all the dignity possible. Have you tried purring in their ears? maybe even pop your nose in there before they make them inaccessable. A lick on their eyes or end of their nose? Purring is good if you can make it very loud in their ears as they seem to stroke a lot when we do this. If these fail, sneak under the covers and give them a good old scratch with your claws, you may have to run fast but these superiors have to learn a lesson and you must teach them as early on as possible. If they do as you want, when you come back in the light time be as nice as you can to reward your longlegs.
Dear Oscar, The other day I had a terrible experience. My Long Legs brought another cat into my house! At least, I think it’s a cat, since it makes the right sounds, though they are a bit squeaky. It’s very small and it sucked milk from a bottle that my The Her was holding in her hand. I am not allowed in the room where the invader is staying – the door is locked! What shall I do?
Dear locked out, It's terrible that you've never been taught about longlegs kittens. You may have to expect a long time of not being allowed through the clearway where they keep the kitten. You may also find that your longlegs have less time for you for a while, less feeding, less stroking and far less gratitude and funny hiccup sounds if you sing for them. This is a time to be strong, you have to make sure they don't forget who is the superior here.You must make sure you talk every light start to remind them if your dish is empty. At dark time when they are home you must make sure you occupy the lap of the one not with the kitten and you must always be prepared to roll on your back to show them how cute you are. If they forget to stroke make sure you remind them by sharpening your claws on their sitting places. Rub up against their legs until they realise you are there as well as their kitten. Soon you will be allowed to meet it but you must not curl up an sleep near it's head as they make a lot of noise.
Dear Oscar, Please explain to us how you managed to get your Longlegs to let you send messages out to us. Usually I know that my friends and I are pushed away when they sit to do this themselves. One superior told me you used blackmail. Is this true?
Dear unknown Superior,
This is not so easy, you have to exercise a lot of patience, his longlegs spends a lot of time away through the light time and he has free uninterrupted access so it is easy for him, and yes, being nice to his longlegs works well on the times they are there. He doesn't have to use blackmail to get what he wants. May i suggest you spend a lot of time rubbing your cheeks on their front paws, purr a lot even show them your tummy if you can trust them. The longlegs can make some nice noises sometimes.
Dear Oscar, I don't believe you are a superior. I think it's a longlegs trick to make us believe you are a superior and soon you will be telling us to be kind to them or treat them as equals. Prove who you are !
GRRRRR CHCHCH PAH PAH, there, no longlegs can do that can they? I am very offended, I have the most beautiful dark tabby fur and pretty green eyes, alright I may be a bit big boned but I need to be to protect my brother and my longlegs sometimes. Treat them as equals? PAH! NEVER! It does not hurt to be nice to them sometimes as they provide food, somewhere warm and soft to sleep and keep our coats clean and shiny, come on now they are not as superior as we are, they are slow (due to some disability that makes them use only two long back legs), clumsy (watch your tails superiors), but, they can be quite kind and just need a little encouragement in their training.